the other thing just struck me. i've lived all my life wrong. i've done totally wrong choices. starting from high school. why in the world did i go to a business class. why in the world did i lose my virginity to my best friend's boyfriend. why did i start with this politics shit. the questions that will always be unanswered. and the biggest of them all, why i was and still am , by the way(even in the masters?!?), studying natural science. i dislike the nature stuff. i pretty much hate animals and pets. i like people. consindering this- i got this exam session straight A's and B's. i wonder what i'd do in social studies... it freaks me out.
u know, i always used to believe in things like- whatever we do, it makes us who we are today and in general we like ourselves and noone is perfect, we all make mistakes bla-bla-blaa. but aunestly, there are so many things that i should have and could have done differently. isn't there? and where am i now? in the worst city in the world, except bangkok of course, the most developing capital of the postcommunistic new-age eastern europe capital- "A" tallinn. perfect. i think i've never been so alone. or then i didn't know that i was alone. i didn't realise what it means to be alone. it's just like the best thing that ever happened to me- israel of course- is also the worst thing. nothing is the same again. never was and never will be. and it's taunting me, already second year in a row. when will it stop? let me guess- never?! so i am fucked. and the real fuck doesn't save me at all. although i hoped that it will. but it doesn't.
wow. isn't that pitiful. the funny thing is, that acting and writing crazy, it's actually helping. or at least for the time being. and there is african soccer cup on the tv,isn't that sweet. i like writing in english, it has more soul in it. i guess the odds are that i really was born in a wrong country. maybe i should leave once and for all, despite everything. but then again, u never know. and couple of years later u blame yourself for doing the wrong choices. all over again. deja vu.