living only for moments. that is all i can bare for now. waking every morning up to do my simple routine. to go to work, to school, to do the things that somehow are compulsory and still, i cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. each small decision that i'm making to make it work "in a bigger scale" backfires. I feel good for a minute or maybe even for ah hour, but then it all falls apart. again. and i really don't know anymore, what I want. did i ever know it? will i ever? can someone know at all, for real? forever? i doubt it. so continuing to live for moments. or just to settle with barely satisfactory, but not marvelous? but i can't, i just can't.. so routine until everything right comes along. and even if it doesn't, then i know, i've tried. it is right, but am i up for it?

" It was not, after all, so easy to die. every second he breathed, the smell of the grass, the cool air on his face, was so precious: to think that people had years and years, time to waste, so much time that it dragged, and he was clinging to each second."
"perhaps those who are best suited to power are those who have never sought it.those who have leadership thrust upon them, and take up the mantle, because they must, and find to their own surprise that they wear it well."

i really don't know love at all

i've come a long way in these past few months. i've seen things that i thought were impossible. i've experienced feelings that were unknown to me. and though i'm thankful for everything, i have to ask, was it really worth it? where am i now and where am i going.. i'm lost, more than ever and i have to question myself and above everything else i have to question love. the one thing that i thought should matter the most. but it seems that it doesn't.. love doesn't matter in that big way we want to believe. it gets lost in everyday simple things. well, actually, it just gets lost. and for the time being i am lost with it. i will continue to look for myself and probably even for love, but in a bigger scale (kisses, elux :), though you are not reading it), i've lost again such a big fragment of that mystery puzzle, that probably, soon enough, i will simply disregard it. luckily there are still red roses in my vase and martini asti on my table.. there is still something to live for.

i just have to say this. i have never felt like this before. and probably will not either. ever. this is what you pay, when you give yourself the privilege of true feelings. they don't exist in the way we wanna believe in them. cause it's too good to be true. so let's stay at this ordinary suffering state. now and forever. i, at least, can gather so many feelings of the other people, who somehow admire me now matter what, always and forever. if you have everything, why should you look for perfect? right?!?!

the world is my oyster

to be, to have and to love is simpler then ever. there is such a potential within people's minds that from time to time it's totally elusive. the key is releasing. we tend to talk that opening one's mind and knowingly working with yourself, to be a different person, is rubbish, but it's not. it really does work, we are sometimes just lazy and so overwhelmed with common comfort, that we tend to leave it just how it was. we deny our secret wishes and we just linger around in materialized bubbles. but we shouldn't! we couldn't! just to think, even for mere five minutes, how wonderful the world is and how many possibilities it offers, then one must realize that the potential is huge! there are millions and millions places to visit. billions and billions people to meet. endless amount of things to do and images to enjoy, sounds to hear, emotions to feel. the world is my oyster.

päike loojus sellel õhtul teisiti. õieti oli see ka eelmistel õhtutel olnud teistsugune, aga tüdruk ei tahtnud seda märgata. ta nägi neil päevil maailma üldse valikuliselt. uitas tänavatel ning ei pannud tähele, kuidas kodutu laps pisaraid palgeilt pühkis. sulges koduukse,märkamata ruumi nurkadesse kogunenud tolmurulle. pani küünlad põlema, ilma et oleks vajanud valgust ja soojust. kuulas muusikat, jälgimata laulu üdini kurbi alatoone. ja ometi oli midagi väga valesti ning sellel õhtul ta murdus ja hakkas ühtäkki kõike nägema. ta ei näinud ainult kodutuid lapsi, vaid ka nende emasid. ta ei lugenud kokku mitte ainult pühkimata tolmurulle, vaid ka laenurkadesse kogunenud äblikuvõrke. ta süütas lugematutel hulkadel küünlaid ja ostis kokku suuri-suuri roosikimpe. ta valis plaadiriiulilt ainult ja ainult trööstituid laule ning üürgas pisaratevoolul neile kaasa. ta oli õnnetu. ehkki ta teadis, et tal pole selleks vähimatki põhjust. tal oli tegelikult kõik ja rohkemgi veel, sest tal oli tema ise. tema ise oma lõppematu armastusega maailma vastu ning see maailm armastas ka teda. ja ikkagi oli ta kurb. ta hakkas mõistma seda kummalist naabritüdrukut, kes hommikuti postkasti kõrval lootusetult seisis ning tühja kirjakasti ainiti piidles. ta sai aru sellest noormehest, kes kohvikus kuuma aurava teetassi kõrval luuletusi kritseldas. ta märkas kolleegi, kes õhtuti arutuid tunde oma laua taga veetis, kui kõik teised olid juba lahkunud. ta nägi ema, kes lapsega trollist mahajäänuna sorkis saapaotsaga lumehanges. ennekõike aga nägi ta iseenda peegeldust, kus naeratleva suu taustal mänglesid tumehallides silmades valamata pisarad. ta nägi seda kõike ja ta teadis, et temas mässavad tunded, mida ta varem polnud kohanud. ta tahtis sellest kõigest aina rohkem ja rohkem teada, kuid mõistis, et talle pole selleks antud aega. ta süütas veel ühe küünla, sättis vaasis kohale mõne roosi ning pani plaadimängijasse järjekordse kurbloo. kui juba, siis juba. järgmisel päeval aga, tõusis päike teisiti...

ma tean et ma midagi ei tea
ma tean et ma midagi mõnikord ei tunne
ma tean et ma pole see kes ma arvasin et ma olen
ma tean et maailm pole alati see mis ta näib
ma tean et inimesed ei tea mis nad tahavad
ma tean et me vahel näeme vaeva asjatult
ma tean et mul olen olemas alati ainult mina ise
ma tean et ma mõnikord ei tahagi enam midagi
ma tean et iga hetk on uus ja lootustandev
ma tean et mõni teine hetk tambib maasse
ma tean et tunded on kõikvõimsad
ma tean et iga hetk ei too seda mida me tahaksime
ma tean et ma ei saa inimestele pakkuda seda mida nad ootavad
ma tean et inimesed ei saa minule seda pakkuda mida mina neilt ootan
ma tean et pidev tegutsemine saab aidata üle olla maailma absurdsusest
ma tean et on olemas palju häid raamatuid
ma tean et olemas palju tantsimata tantse
ma tean et lahtise suuga laulupeod on fantastilised
ma tean et gin toonikuga on alati omal kohal
ma tean et punased küüned loovad meeleolu
ma tean et küünlad ja elavad lilled on kodus ilusad
ma tean et sigaret on mõnikord asendamatu
ma tean et mõnikord tuleb iseendast üle olla
ma tean et teistest inimestestki tuleb üle olla
ma tean et armastus teeb haiget
ma tean et ma ise teen haiget
ma tean et ma ise saan haiget
ma tean et ma midagi ei tea